Talk Nerdy To Me

The clacking of typewriter keys filled the Narumi Detective Agency as Shotaro started on the report for his most recent case. It was a simple one—another missing cat—but he was in the zone. There was a ding as the typewriter’s arm slid back and he moved on to the next line.

Ayami-san had no one else to turn to. The Narumi Detective Agency—no, I, Shotaro Hidari—was all that stood between her and the possibility of never seeing poor Tama again.

Okay, maybe he was exaggerating. No, not exaggerating... just spicing things up a bit. After all, what good was a case report if it was dry as dust to re-read?

I spent hours tracking down leads. Luckily, I happen to have a way with cats. Once I found where Tama had last been seen, all I had to do was

There was a creaking sound as the door to the hangar opened up. Shotaro glanced up sharply just in time to see Philip poking his head out into the office proper. “Ah, Shotaro?”

“What is it, Philip?” He typed out a few more words without looking down at the keys.

“Could you put the Double Driver on? There’s something I want to try.”

“What? Seriously?” At a time like this... Shotaro groaned a bit and picked the Driver up from where it was resting on his desk. “Is this going to get in the way of my paperwork?”

“No, it shouldn’t.”

“Okay, then.” He set the Driver at his navel and the belt snapped out from it to wrap around his waist. “You need Joker in, or what?”

“No, just the Driver itself. Thank you, Shotaro.” Philip retreated back into the hangar and closed the door.

Well, that was weird. Whatever. Shotaro got back to work typing.

However, he only got a couple more sentences down before Philip was talking to him through the connection forged by the Double Driver.

Mm, Shotaro... If a thought could be said to have a “tone of voice”, then Philip’s right now was low and husky. What are you wearing?

“What?” Shotaro replied in irritation. “You were out here a minute ago. You just saw me.”

That isn’t the point, Philip replied, suddenly calm and precise once more. You’re supposed to describe your outfit to me; whether what you are actually wearing, or some sort of fantasy.

“Huh?” And then it hit him. He stopped typing and slapped his palm against his forehead. “Philip, are you trying to dirty-talk through the Double Driver?”

Yes! You’ve finally caught on.

The “Jeez!” Shotaro let out echoed off the walls. “That’s not what the Driver is for! And besides, I’m in the middle of writing up a case report!”

Please, Shotaro? I was reading up on the subject of “phone sex” and thought this might be fun.

“What even got you on that topic? No, wait, I don’t want to know,” he hurriedly added, sensing Philip about to answer.

It was just a typical lost cat case, though, and aside from this report he was all caught up on paperwork. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to take a break... Although he couldn’t be sure if he was actually thinking that or if some of Philip’s emotions were leaking through their connection.

I can sense your hesitation fading. Philip seemed gleeful as he made the observation.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, sure. Whatever. I’m wearing, uh, you know. A vest over a button-up... a tie, and a fedora. The black one with the plaid ribbon. Oh yeah, and the Double Driver too.”

He could actually feel Philip frowning. That didn’t sound sensual at all.

“Sensual?!” Where did Philip learn this stuff? “That answer was perfectly fine.”

No it wasn’t.

“Okay, then, smart guy.” Shotaro’s cheeks flushed at the idea of even asking the question, but he pressed onward. “What are you wearing?”


“No— nothing?!” Shotaro had to push the typewriter away, prop his elbows up on the desk, and bury his beet-red face in his hands.

I removed my clothing after coming back in here. You should do the same.

“I’m not getting naked in the office!”

You don’t have to. Just say you are, Philip insisted. Go into detail as you describe removing your clothing.

“Jeez...” Shotaro groaned. How had he let Philip talk him into this? Oh, right. Philip had Shotaro wrapped around his little finger, as much as the older detective hated to admit it. “Okay. Uh. First I take off my vest. Then I start unbuttoning my shirt. Slowly and, uh, sensually.”

Good, Philip replied. It wasn’t arousal that Shotaro felt from Philip. It was just the usual thrill that Philip always felt whenever he was investigating something new. Somehow that made things worse. Shotaro was about to die of humiliation and Philip wasn’t even turned on.

“Okay. Shirt off.” Shotaro wasn’t even thinking about it when his right hand moved up to start loosening his tie. He didn’t remember deciding to do that. “I guess I’m taking my tie off next,” he said, because that was actually happening. How he’d managed to remove his shirt in that fantasy with his tie still on was a mystery to be left for another day.

Good. Shotaro, you’re sexy, Philip said.

“I know.” It sounded weird coming from Philip, but he wasn’t going to complain. “You’re, uh... really cute.”

He could feel Philip laughing. You’re very bad at this, Philip admonished him.

“Hey, this wasn’t my idea!” Shotaro fussed with his tie before finally tossing it down onto the floor. “Besides, at least I’ve been talking. You just keep saying stuff like ‘Good’ and ‘I’m already naked so I don’t have to go through the humiliating process of talking about taking my clothes off in my head.’”

You’d like me to say more?

“Well, yeah, if we’re gonna do this.”

In that case... Philip tangibly paused. I want you inside me, Shotaro. I want you to fuck me hard, I want—

Giggling wasn’t very befitting of a hard-boiled detective, but Shotaro was alone in the office. Nobody else had to know. “Jeez, Philip, you sound ridiculous.”

I do? Philip was frowning. From what I read, those lines should have been especially effective.

Philip had actually looked up what words to use. Shotaro was not the least bit surprised.

“Maybe for some people. That doesn’t sound like you, though.” Shotaro managed to quell his gigglefit. He was actually smiling fondly now.

So that’s important, too... He could feel the deep concentration as Philip considered that. I see. Yes, that makes sense...

“Yeah. So just be yourself.”

It’s true, though, Philip continued. I do want to be penetrated by you. Or perhaps to penetrate you. Both sound like they would be enjoyable. In fact, I’d like to try both at some point for comparison’s sake.

Shotaro swallowed nervously. He shivered at the sensation of something brushing against his chest, and he realized that at some point he’d unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt and was now lightly caressing his own skin. When had that happened? “Y-yeah. I’d like that too. Either one of those.” It was probably more hard-boiled to be the one on top, but somehow, thinking about it, he decided that he wouldn’t mind letting Philip take charge.

I’d also like to kiss you, Philip observed. Some more, I mean. My research indicates that the level of kissing we have attained is fairly low in comparison to how far we could go. In some cases kissing can become so passionate that the participants forget to breathe. It sounds unpleasant, but apparently it’s enjoyable. I’d like to see for myself, Shotaro.

Shotaro was having trouble breathing, himself. The sudden lump in his throat made it hard to swallow. “I wouldn’t say no to that.” His hand trailed down his chest and torso, coming to a rest on one thigh, perilously close to the bulge growing in his pants.

Good. Even in Shotaro’s head, Philip’s mental voice sounded breathless. I’d really like to see you in person, Shotaro. I bet you’re blushing.

“You’d win that bet.” He wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone else, but right now, with their minds linked, there was no hiding anything from his partner.

That’s because I know you so well, Philip teased. A sudden spike of pleasure shot through Shotaro, causing him to moan, and Philip made a truly obscene sound in response. Does that feel good?

“Does what—” Before he could finish the question, Shotaro realized where that feeling had come from. He glanced down to see his right hand rubbing himself through the front of his pants. He was pretty sure he was not the one doing that. “Philip! Are you—”

I am. Would you like me to stop? Those touches became lighter, more tickling than anything else.

“Goddamn it,” Shotaro muttered. He hurriedly unzipped his pants. “Like hell you’re stopping now, Philip.”

You come around quickly. So saying, Philip—with Shotaro’s hand—fished out Shotaro’s half-hard cock and lightly trailed his fingers down its length. I wonder if you also—

“Don’t. Don’t make that pun.” Shotaro scowled.

Philip laughed inside his head, a truly breathtaking sensation. Shotaro leaned back in his chair as his partner had his way with him. His hand moved slowly and gently at first, as if relishing the feeling of the erection. He had to curl his left hand around the edge of the chair to keep it from interfering. It was the weirdest feeling, jerking himself off but not knowing what his hand was going to do next. When he expected it to stay steady, it sped up. His thumb rolled over the tip and he was very glad there was nobody else in the office to hear that moan of his.

Shotaro... Philip sounded as though he was coming unglued. He was panting desperately, Shotaro was surprised to realize. Somehow, the more Philip aroused him, the more he was able to get into Philip’s head as well. Now he could tell that as Philip stroked him, he was doing the same to himself. Essentially, one right hand was jerking off two cocks. Clever.

“I wonder...” Shotaro mused. He had to focus. He’d never tried to do this before, but it wasn’t as difficult as he’d thought it might be. Philip’s left side just felt like an extension of his own body, really. Philip’s left hand moved up from where it was gripping the blanket lying across the back of the couch, and two of his fingers slipped into his mouth.

Intriguing, Philip thought to him. I hadn’t considered that this control might go both ways.

“Suck,” Shotaro instructed him. But he had to cover his face in shame afterward. Philip was laughing at him in his head for trying to sound domineering.

If you say so.

Though they were Philip’s fingers, Shotaro felt as though the heat of that mouth and the slipperiness of that tongue were working at his own. Philip was less clumsy than he’d expected; had he looked this up, too? Shotaro practically wilted, sitting back in his chair as Philip stroked him and lapped at his—no, at Philip’s own fingers.

I’d like to do this to you, Philip informed him.

“Yeah,” Shotaro agreed.

Specifically to your pe—

“Yeah, I got that.”

Shotaro leaned so far back his chair nearly tipped over, but he didn’t care. His breath was catching in his throat. His right hand had nearly brought him to the edge. This was the best hand job he’d ever had.

(Was it narcissistic to think that?)

Even as Shotaro climaxed, he could feel the same happening to Philip. The dual orgasm brought his leaning chair to the tipping point—gravity won out, sending him crashing to the floor. “Ah, jeez...!”

Philip sighed happily. That was a very worthwhile experiment.

Shotaro pushed himself up. “Yeah, I guess...” The only problem was the lack of post-coital cuddling. Not that a hard-boiled man would actually say as much.

You’re right. I wouldn’t mind cuddling you right now.

Oh. Right. Double Driver. Shotaro flailed slightly as he retrieved his tie from the floor. “Uh, I should finish this report.”

Philip just laughed.